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Friends, what will we do without them? Ms. Lastingfriendship was feeling a little down in the dumps the other day when her funny goofy friends handed her this note. I thought I’d share this with you. Hope this cheers you up as well.

laughter-funny-cat-laugh

Sex is like riding a bike because:

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If you’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it is usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That’s why some of them are called Mountin Bikes (get it?).

man-on-scale1. I am virtually powerless in the presence of those two sadistic hippie bastards, Ben and Jerry.

2. Buying clothes off the rack is not nearly as satisfying as having to get everything “made special.”

3. In every single food equation, fat equals flavor. Do the math.

4. I’m tackling my New Year’s resolutions one at a time and alphabetically. Therefore, I can’t “Lose weight” until I “Learn to play the glockenspiel.”

5. The extra flesh folds in my arms provide a handy hiding place for my extensive collection of vintage ’70s porn.

6. “No reservation? No problem, Mr. Brando, your table’s right this way.”

7. Two slices of melba toast or a sheet cake: Which would you rather have for breakfast?

8. I’m secretly conducting an experiment to find out whether centerfold models are really telling the truth when they say that what they find sexiest in a man is “a sense of humor.”

9. Workout sweat leaves me with that “not-so-fresh feeling.”

10. I belong to a small group of individuals who believe Jack LaLanne may, in fact, be the anti-Christ.

11. Exercise may very well be good for you, but all I know is, after I’ve spent an afternoon on the couch, eating Cheez Doodles and watching the game, I don’t need to employ any analgesic painkiller or muscle liniment.

12. God made gravy for a reason. I am that reason.

13. Never have to endure that annoying fast-food question, as the answer is simply assumed: Of course I want fries with that.

14. No matter where I sit on an airplane, I have an aisle seat.

15. Maybe I’m a neophyte at this whole hip-hop vernacular, but I thought “fat” meant “good.”

16. According to the law of averages, there actually exists a minuscule yet completely viable group of really hot women who are bored with totally buff, cut, in-shape guys.

17. “Thin” is just another word for “nothin’ left to lose.”

18. I’m mercifully spared from seeing just how small my penis actually is.

19. The inevitable cardiac episode, and subsequent lawsuit thereafter, provides me a perpetual exemption from participation in the three-legged race at the company picnic.

20. So many different kinds of beer, so little time.

21. I’m a “summer,” and workout clothes are just not that flattering.

22. In some small third-world countries, even politely refusing a fifth helping of an entree is considered insulting.

23. Hoping to score big career break by being cast as Young Jabba the Hutt in Episode Three.

24. Everything tastes better with cheese.

25. Rather than “sliced to order,” hams are, in fact, best enjoyed whole.

26. At least Sally Struthers never cries when she sees a picture of me.

27. Costly family vacations now replaced by weekend burro trips down my butt crack.

28. If I wanted a life of strenuous exercise, extreme discipline, and self-denial, I’d do a couple of months in state prison.

29. Have not yet conquered fear of slipping down bathroom drain.

30. That Jenny Craig is one cold, heartless bitch.

31. The size of my splash is directly proportional to the size of my ass.

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men-only-weight-lossBecause most purveyors of weight-loss plans are idiots, the words “diet” and “deprivation” have become nearly synonymous. When you start thinking about reducing your gut, you imagine a dreary patch of flavor denial and an aching belly, and quite naturally you turn away. That’s what’s wrong with the average diet: It contains the seeds of its own destruction.

We’re not going there. Instead, we offer this promise: We’ll help you chase your extra 10 or 15 pounds out of town by tempting you with eating opportunities all day long—by keeping your belly so full it’ll never occur to you that you’re on a diet. And all we ask is that you agree to explore a broader swath of life’s big buffet.

The fact is, you can feel better than you do today; you can have more energy; you can improve your long-term health prospects; you can even get lucky more often, with better results. And food—the right kind of food—is your ticket; all the secrets are right here. In 5 weeks, you’ll be in your new home: the land of the 32-inch waist. Ready? Let’s go.

I mean, let’s eat.

Eat 5 Meals a Day

That’s three squares and two snacks. In a study in the American Journal of Epidemiology, researchers found that men who ate four or more times a day had half the risk of becoming overweight compared with those who ate three times or fewer. This doesn’t mean three feasts and two 900-calorie “snacks”; read on for the foods to pile on your plate.

Fill Up on Fiber

“Fiber is the best food you can eat when you’re trying to lose weight,” says Gay Riley, R.D., a nutritionist in Dallas and the author of Pocket Personal Trainer. Here’s why: It slows your rate of digestion, which keeps you feeling full longer and reduces sugar cravings. And because it binds to other foods, fiber helps hustle calories out of the body.

A USDA study determined that people who consume 24 grams (g) of fiber daily earn a 90-calorie free pass. Your goal is 5 g fiber at each meal.

5 or more g fiber:
- 1 cup of any cereal with “bran” in the name—such as raisin bran or All-Bran. If the magic word is missing, check the Nutrition Facts label.
- 1 cup of cooked beans—pinto, kidney, navy, any kind

2 to 4 g fiber:
- 1 medium apple, pear, orange, or banana
- 1 cup of any fruit that ends in “berry”
- 1/2 cup of cooked asparagus, broccoli, brussels sprouts, carrots, cauliflower, green beans, sauerkraut, or spinach
- 1 ounce (about a handful) of almonds, peanuts, cashews, pecans, or sunflower seeds
- 1 cup of cooked brown rice or whole-wheat pasta, or two slices of whole-wheat bread

Put a Limit on Starch

Since 1980, the average guy’s food intake has grown by 500 calories a day, nearly 80 percent of which can be attributed to carbohydrates; in that time, the prevalence of obesity has increased by 80 percent.

The lesson: Cap your intake of the most carbohydrate-dense foods—such as grains and potatoes—at three servings a day. (One serving is the equivalent of one slice of bread, 1/2 cup of cooked pasta or rice, or one small potato.) Always eat the highest-fiber, least-processed versions of these foods—whole-wheat breads, pastas, and cereals; brown rice instead of white; and whole potatoes, including the skin.

Don’t Count Calories

A good diet is effortless. By frequently eating the right foods, you’ll eliminate hunger and control your calorie intake.

Never restrict your produce intake. You can’t eat too many fruits and vegetables. Potatoes excepted, they contain very few calories, little starch, and lots of fiber.

Have some protein with every meal. Make an effort to eat a serving or two of high-quality protein—yogurt, cheese, milk, beef, turkey, chicken, fish, pork, eggs, or nuts. You’ll get the daily ideal 8 g leucine, an amino acid that’s critical for boosting metabolism and preserving muscle as you drop pounds.

Don’t be afraid of fat. Researchers at the City of Hope Medical Center, in Duarte, California, report that men who ate a low-calorie, high-fat diet lost 63 percent more weight in 6 months than those who followed a low-fat plan with the same number of calories. By replacing some of the starches with fat—which takes longer to digest—you’ll stay full longer and eat less. Emphasize healthy, unsaturated fats: In the study, the high-fat dieters ate 3 ounces of almonds a day.

Rise and Dine

Never mind what you’ve seen at Denny’s—fat guys skip breakfast. University of Massachusetts researchers found that men who skip breakfast are 4 1/2 times more likely to be obese than those who don’t. “Eating breakfast is like putting kindling on the fire of your metabolism,” says Riley, so your body will be less likely to store fat.

Make sure you eat within 90 minutes of waking—men in the study who waited longer increased their chances of obesity by nearly 50 percent.

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soda

Children sip it, college students crave it, and adults gulp it to get through the workday. But according to a growing body of research, America’s favorite fizzy drink isn’t just a harmless vice—it’s a genuine health hazard that can cause obesity, bone loss, and tooth decay. Some studies even suggest that soda can increase your risk for diseases such as diabetes and cancer. Read on to get the real story behind these sparkling soft drinks.

Here, the top 10 reasons why you should put pop to a stop.

1. It makes you gain weight. According to a 2005 study conducted by the University of Texas Health Science Center, drinking one to two cans of soda a day increases a person’s risk of being overweight or obese by 32.8 percent. And if you think diet soda is a better option, think again: The researchers found that those who drank one to two cans of diet soda per day were at an even higher risk (54.5 percent) of being overweight or obese.

2. It increases your disease risk. A 2007 study published in the American Heart Association’s journal Circulation found that people who drink soda every day, whether regular or diet, were 44 percent more likely to develop metabolic syndrome—a condition that greatly increases your risk for heart disease and diabetes.

3. It has no nutritional value. A 20-ounce bottle of cola contains nearly 250 calories, but take a look at the label, and you’ll see that it has virtually no vitamins or minerals. In fact, the only things soda is packed with are sugar and caffeine—two ingredients for which FDA has no recommended daily allowance.

4. It doesn’t satisfy your thirst. When it comes to quenching your thirst, water is the gold standard, but herbal tea and fruit juice are also good options. Soda, on the other hand, is likely to make you thirstier because caffeine is a diuretic and sugar interferes with the body’s absorption of fluids.

5. It’s bad for digestion. Soda’s effects on digestion are a source of ongoing debate, but some experts believe the phosphoric acid these beverages contain may disturb the acid-alkaline balance of the stomach. As a result, they believe, soda drinkers may develop digestional distress, acid reflux, stomach inflammation, and intestinal erosion.

6. It can be addictive. A 2000 study published in the Archives of Family Medicine revealed that soft-drink manufacturers add caffeine to soda for one reason only: to get consumers hooked. Although this type of addiction may seem benign, experts are quick to point out that caffeine is a stimulant, and once you’re addicted, going cold turkey can create withdrawal symptoms, including fatigue, depression, irritability, tremors, sleep deprivation, and headaches.

7. It’s not eco-friendly. Believe it or not, many people still don’t recycle their bottles and cans. In fact, it’s estimated that some 50 billion aluminum cans and plastic bottles from soft drinks get thrown into landfills every year. Even if you recycle, the containers are still energy-intensive to mine, produce, and recycle.

8. It’s bad for your bones and teeth. According to a recent Tufts University study, women who drank three 12-ounce colas a day had 5 percent less bone density than women who drink less than a serving a day. As the researchers explained, the phosphoric acid in cola prevents calcium from being absorbed by the body. Not surprisingly, soda is also damaging for teeth: A 2006 study, published in General Dentistry, reported that the citric and/or phosphoric acid in soft drinks can be harmful and corrosive to a healthy smile.

9. It may cause cancer. Although still controversial, some scientists believe that soda can increase your cancer risk. A 2006 study from Sweden’s Karolinska Institutet supports the theory: Study subjects who drank high quantities of fizzy or syrup-based soft drinks twice a day or more ran a 90 percent higher risk of developing pancreatic cancer than those who never drank them.

10. It costs a lot of money. Compared to fruit juice or milk, soft drinks may seem inexpensive, but when you consider the lack of nutritional value, soda seems like a rip-off. And keep in mind that the costs of soda can quickly add up. The average 12-ounce can of soda costs about $1 from the vending machine, so if you drank two a day for a year, you’d spend a whopping $730 on pop every year.

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kids2

1. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Even when there’s not a prize in the bottom of the box.

2. Sometimes it’s best to be completely blunt with people, as you used to be with relatives who wanted you to do something embarrassing or tedious for a shiny quarter.

3. Asking questions is how you figure things out. Lots and lots of questions.

4. An older, wiser Gordie Lachance says in Stand By Me, “I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was 12.” Lachance is right. The trick is to try to be the friend you were when you were 12: fun-loving and loyal, with no strings attached.

5. Playing is work. Approach your downtime with all the seriousness of a 5-year-old with a secret treasure map.

6. Real guys don’t dip their toes in the water. They jump right in.

7. Girls have cooties. Well, the ones you meet in certain bars do, anyway.

8. You hated it when a grown-up told you, “We’ll see.” It’s still unacceptable. Don’t say it yourself.

9. The only way to know how something works is to completely disassemble it. (This is still good advice when tackling a complex problem. Your plasma TV? Not so much).

10. There’s a reason they don’t give credit cards to 8-year-olds. You’re supposed to save up money before you buy a new toy.

11. Your body was designed for throwing baseballs, shooting hoops, and jumping off diving boards and stuff. In the secret language of children, the word “fitness” doesn’t exist. It’s called “having fun.”

12. Your world can be half-real and half-imaginary.

13. Homework blows. Bring work home with you and it’ll ruin your night. And your marriage. And your family. And your life.

14. Too much of anything will give you a tummy ache. Like, say, bourbon.

15. If there’s even the slightest doubt, hit the potty before you leave.

16. The coolest adults were the ones who took the time to listen to you. You still want to grow up to be a cool adult, right?

17.Treasure Island, Dracula: The best books are consumed after dark with a flashlight.

18. Use adrenaline as your drug of choice. You don’t need beer, pot, or cigarettes to have a good time.

19. Kissing a girl on the cheek is a big deal. Kissing her lips is an even bigger deal. Seeing her naked for the first time is a major, life-altering event.

20. Going after a target in the urinal makes the time whiz by.

21. Seeing a thunderstorm roll in is better than watching HDTV. And rain isn’t something to curse, but to enjoy. Hurry up, before it clears.

man

1. Approach and engage a pretty girl in conversation with no prompting from anyone. She might not want to talk. She might even tell you to go jerk yourself a soda. But she might not.

2. Be debt-free. Compounding interest is like a sorority girl on Ecstasy. She’ll go both ways, but you get a hell of a lot more out of it when she’s going your way.

3. Try the sport that you ridicule most. Golfers and skateboarders wouldn’t be so friggin’ smug if they knew how difficult the other guy’s favorite activity really is.

4. Finish something early.

5. Let someone else brag about that cool thing you did.

6. How ’bout a mercy flush?

7. Disagree with the person you fear most.

8. Read a novel with more than 300 pages, written before 1950, set somewhere other than the United States.

9. Eat brussels sprouts. To make it easier, pretend a gun is pointed at your temple and you have a choice: Take them orally or another way.

10. You think you’re tough? Say exactly what’s on your mind when you’re at your most vulnerable. We’ll see how tough you are.11. Say “Cool tat” the next time you see intricate tribal art on the small of a woman’s back. She knows what you’re really saying, but verbal subtleties like this can mean the difference between receiving an amused smile and waking up in the ICU wearing a diaper packed with ice.

12. Embrace the male carpe diem death cliché. You will die, friend, and dozens of bungee-jumping, skydiving, scuba diving, rock-climbing, boxing, surfing, and motocross outfits are depending on your “holy crap” realization of mortality to make a living. Why wait? Fix your roof when it’s sunny.

13. Leave work early for a midweek afternoon ball game. Tell no one. Go alone. Strive to notice the subtleties TV doesn’t show: the third baseman cheating a step before the pitch; where the center fielder sets up; whether that sweet creature two rows over really likes baseball or is just there for her boyfriend. Toss the ticket stub on the way out; you were never there. We guarantee you’ll remember this game longer than if you got permission from the wife and went with five buddies.

14. Go a week without quoting anyone. When you consider movies, late-night monologues, sportscasters, bosses, wives, kids, founding fathers, regular fathers, Shakespeare, philosophers, and Homer Simpson, this suddenly becomes a lot harder than you thought, huh?

15. Pursue a woman not because she’s so hot but because she’s so cool.

16. Buy a stock based on research you did all by yourself, from scratch. Restaurant crowds won’t fall silent when you speak, but nailing a six-bagger on your own beats Maria Bartiromo’s sloppy seconds any trading day.

17. Ask questions first. Save your bullets for later.

Just the words, break up, indicate a situation riddled with impending pain and loss. Even if both parties involved agree it is in their best interests to part romantic ways, there is still a certain amount of loss attached. Breaking up is never fun. Some relationships end with fighting. Some end with crying. Some end with sex. Some end with verbal insults (or dishes) being thrown at sound-barrier-breaking speeds. Whatever the case, breakups can be uglier than some Dancing with the Stars performances.

Let’s face it: Some relationships aren’t meant to be, so a breakup averts a bigger disaster.  So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? My answer: women.

Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they’re actually more the consistency of jelly.

Here’s why some men come undone during a breakup.

Men Mask Their Pain

When a guy is dumped, his first reaction is: I’ll show her. How he sometimes does it: With a couple pitchers and a night out with the guys. In fact, 26 percent of men say that the dumped party should get drunk with the guys after a breakup, according to a Men’s Health online survey.

But those beer swillers are actually in the minority: 36 percent say a guy should look at his new ex, smile, and thank her. The thing is, both of those reactions are exactly the same thing—masks for their true feelings. They can’t deal with being hurt, or angry, or bummed. It’s not until after they get past their initial reaction that men actually mourn the loss of the relationship.

Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they’re also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold.

Men Have Fewer Friends

One of the reasons why women can get over sour relationships faster than the guys they break up with is that women have an amazing network of people to latch on to. Research indicates that men depend on romantic relationships for emotional intimacy and social support, whereas women are more likely to turn to family and female friends to satisfy those needs. Mothers, sisters, friends, hairdressers, cabbies, whoever—the more times she tells the story about what a jerk he was, the better she’s going to feel.

A man, on the other hand, stays corked. Often he shrugs off a breakup with a shoulder shrug, shoots a Jager shot, and tries to convince himself that he’s not upset. That is, until about six months later, at 1 a.m. after the fourth pitcher, when he confesses to his buds that all he ever wanted is for his ex to take him back.

Men Hate Starting Over

After the breakup, a man may feel an initial surge of excitement of future prospects—the women he’s yet to meet. But after three, four, or two dozen dates, he realizes that it’s going to take a long time to reach the level of comfort he had with his ex. Research conducted at Carnegie Mellon University suggests that women adjust better to the end of a relationship because they’ve already given consideration to the possibility of a breakup, whereas men are typically unprepared for it.

Men Idealize the Dating Game

Many breakups are a knee-jerk reaction to what men perceive as stagnation: He’s bored with the same restaurants, the same petty arguments, the repetitive sex. Once he’s back on the prowl, he thinks, he’ll be bedding 10s and living the high life. After the breakup, however, he quickly realizes that the singles scene isn’t all champagne and half-naked strangers—it’s work.

Instead of the exciting bar scene, he finds that he misses the intimacy of his past relationship. Studies show that women consistently outscore men on measures of social, sexual, and intellectual intimacy—and women are often quicker than men to realize that intimacy provides the foundation of a lasting relationship, not the sexual thrills.

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