1. I am virtually powerless in the presence of those two sadistic hippie bastards, Ben and Jerry.
2. Buying clothes off the rack is not nearly as satisfying as having to get everything “made special.”
3. In every single food equation, fat equals flavor. Do the math.
4. I’m tackling my New Year’s resolutions one at a time and alphabetically. Therefore, I can’t “Lose weight” until I “Learn to play the glockenspiel.”
5. The extra flesh folds in my arms provide a handy hiding place for my extensive collection of vintage ’70s porn.
6. “No reservation? No problem, Mr. Brando, your table’s right this way.”
7. Two slices of melba toast or a sheet cake: Which would you rather have for breakfast?
8. I’m secretly conducting an experiment to find out whether centerfold models are really telling the truth when they say that what they find sexiest in a man is “a sense of humor.”
9. Workout sweat leaves me with that “not-so-fresh feeling.”
10. I belong to a small group of individuals who believe Jack LaLanne may, in fact, be the anti-Christ.
11. Exercise may very well be good for you, but all I know is, after I’ve spent an afternoon on the couch, eating Cheez Doodles and watching the game, I don’t need to employ any analgesic painkiller or muscle liniment.
12. God made gravy for a reason. I am that reason.
13. Never have to endure that annoying fast-food question, as the answer is simply assumed: Of course I want fries with that.
14. No matter where I sit on an airplane, I have an aisle seat.
15. Maybe I’m a neophyte at this whole hip-hop vernacular, but I thought “fat” meant “good.”
16. According to the law of averages, there actually exists a minuscule yet completely viable group of really hot women who are bored with totally buff, cut, in-shape guys.
17. “Thin” is just another word for “nothin’ left to lose.”
18. I’m mercifully spared from seeing just how small my penis actually is.
19. The inevitable cardiac episode, and subsequent lawsuit thereafter, provides me a perpetual exemption from participation in the three-legged race at the company picnic.
20. So many different kinds of beer, so little time.
21. I’m a “summer,” and workout clothes are just not that flattering.
22. In some small third-world countries, even politely refusing a fifth helping of an entree is considered insulting.
23. Hoping to score big career break by being cast as Young Jabba the Hutt in Episode Three.
24. Everything tastes better with cheese.
25. Rather than “sliced to order,” hams are, in fact, best enjoyed whole.
26. At least Sally Struthers never cries when she sees a picture of me.
27. Costly family vacations now replaced by weekend burro trips down my butt crack.
28. If I wanted a life of strenuous exercise, extreme discipline, and self-denial, I’d do a couple of months in state prison.
29. Have not yet conquered fear of slipping down bathroom drain.
30. That Jenny Craig is one cold, heartless bitch.
31. The size of my splash is directly proportional to the size of my ass.